*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
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They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.