Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
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If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples: