Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
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Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Fidel Castro was alive?
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.