[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
You Might Also Like
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Well, this certainly took a turn
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.