I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
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If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!