Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
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They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
some things should go without saying
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Finally, an explanation.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence