Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
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Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
I wanna be friends with this person
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th