just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
You Might Also Like
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.