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Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
twitter is a journey
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Dead sexy!!
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”