Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
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Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in