Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
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Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Never be a pizza!
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
“what’s it like having a sister?”
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.