I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
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me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
If I ignore life will it go away?
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.