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This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.