Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
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No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Batman v Dracula
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?