I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
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When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Who.
Did.
This?
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains