Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
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I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.