If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
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My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”