broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
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im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!