Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
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If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
#Caturday
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky