Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
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Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash