Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
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My plans: 2020:
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.