Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
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No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.