Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
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I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
this is the news I live for
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Warm pools make me nervous.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5