If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
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For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
that wasn’t the question
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?