I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
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[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Sign at work today
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.