Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
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“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….