I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
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My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Google Pay be like:
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Florida be like…
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.