*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
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Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.