Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
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Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
⛄️
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Me too door. Me too.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach