Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
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me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver