[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
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8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Every work call, he judges.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this