Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
You Might Also Like
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.