Ape together strong
You Might Also Like
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Spa day..😅
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19