Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
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After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.