[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
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I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.