“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
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Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Just this preview of the story is enough
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Huge, if true.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad