business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
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You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
KFC hitting the cannibal market