Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
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Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
when there are deer in the woods
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]