70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
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“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
That’s easy for you to say
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Golf would be better with landmines.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
bugs when you lift up a rock
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.