No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
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THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”