Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
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What’s dopamine is dopayours.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce