Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
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So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
nobody’s gonna understand
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
This is hilarious….
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.