One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
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I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
God, I love Scotland
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
This January has 47 Mondays
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
#NoRestForTheWicked
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
“you recording!?”
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.