I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
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[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Don’t tell me what to do
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it