My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
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I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
My circle of trust is a meatball
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free