I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
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Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Stop.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly