Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
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Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
titanic
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Ah yes. The three genders