Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
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I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Encore…
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
#Caturday
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
just left a huge legacy in there