My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
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When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.