me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
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My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
What’s a Messi?
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running